


Amijima

by pomelo_froot



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Rewrite, Character Analysis, Chimera Ant Arc, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Lover's Suicide, M/M, POV Killua Zoldyck, Pining, fuck the adults from hxh all my homies hate the adults from hxh, kind of, retelling of chimera ant arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27296605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomelo_froot/pseuds/pomelo_froot
Summary: '"I could never hate you. Ever. Even if you betrayed me, I wouldn’t be mad. Because I know you’re better than that. I know that you’d find your way again.'Such sweet and melodic sounding words shouldn’t have the power or the strength to shake someone to their absolute core. It was immersive. It was surreal. It was a drug. One sentence, and he was hooked. One sentence, and suddenly, he couldn’t live without it. One thing’s for sure, Killua couldn’t ever afford to lose Gon. Ever."Killua confesses his feelings to Gon before the palace invasion and Gon allows him to fight Pitou with him by his side. But everything happens for a reason, and there's a reason why things went the way they did in canon. They’ll be joining the stars."Worst case scenario, it'll be a lover's suicide." - Killua Zoldyck, Chapter 286(if you only want to read the fluffy parts, I'll write in a warning let you know when you should stop reading the fic before things become too heavy)
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 14
Kudos: 46





	Amijima

**Author's Note:**

> sorry in advance.
> 
> also content warning for suicide and pedophilia mentions and also violence ig

Palm was absolutely nuts. She was dangerous and was obviously taking advantage of Gon. That was an incredibly easy conclusion to come to. So why was Gon having such a hard time recognizing that? 

Killua took in Gon’s expression across the table. The mixture of various background conversations in the hotel’s dining room only exacerbated the unbalanced feeling gnawing away at the boy. He frowned. 

Killua wasn’t going to lie, it kind of hurt to see Gon’s neutral face and passive reactions to Palm’s threatening behavior towards the both of them. Killua felt so disorganized in his best friend’s presence when their energies failed to match at all. It felt wrong. It felt so frustrating. 

Killua felt a chilling droplet of doubt roll down his spine. Palm must mean a lot to Gon. Was he seriously just going to dismiss him like that? He _saw_ Palm attempt to drive a knife into his skull. But he didn’t seem to care. It was like no matter how hard Killua tried, he would never be worthy to be by Gon’s side. He would never be worthy of being considered Gon’s best friend. He wanted so desperately to stand in this light and _Palm,_ some crazy , random lady that they had only met _days_ ago, was already much closer to standing in this light than Killua was, who had been traveling with Gon for... almost two years now. 

Two years. A handful of days. Unbelievable. 

Killua reflected on their first meeting. They became friends because they were the only kids at the exam. Gon was able to keep up with him. Same age, same level, an all-around perfect balance, right from the start. But now, that balance feels disrupted. 

Palm was about twice Gon’s age. Killua wasn’t so sure about his feelings towards the gap. He can’t seem to shake the feeling that it’s _wrong_ in some way. Killua was worried if it were just simple, petty jealousy , but now, he categorizes that feeling as discomfort. That feeling would be the feeling that sent shock s and negative waves across his brain at the gym when Gon had said that he’d been on a few dates with older women on Whale Island who “only liked younger guys.” Older w omen that left Gon with “lessons” after they departed the island. That memory lingered on in the back of Killua’s mind. He felt so gross thinking about it. Maybe it _was_ jealousy. But maybe it was the sense that Gon and those women weren’t on the same level, and so therefore, shouldn’t have been allowed to share any intimacy. Killua felt something similar on Greed Island. The weight of Hisoka’s perverted stare on him. Those thoughts made him feel sick. He suppressed the urge to vomit. 

He glanced at his left. A perfect little piece of strawberry cake sat idly on the plate. He grimaced. 

_Great. Now my appetite is ruined._

Killua let out an exhale. 

“So what was all that about anyway?” 

Gon’s mouth let go of his straw. 

“She was mad that I didn’t have enough focus on her to be in a relationship with her.” He was nonchalant. And it pissed Killua off. He lunged his body forward. 

“Then tell her to wait until Kite is back to normal.” His forearm met the table with a thump. It positioned itself horizontally. 

“Already did.” Gon’s mouth was placed on the tip of the straw again. He allowed the orange liquid to elevate up the tube and into his mouth. 

Killua groaned. He was impossible. 

Killua watched Gon sleep. The truth is, Killua was tired too. He just wanted to close his eyes and take a break from all his stupid feelings for a moment. 

This didn’t feel right. Gon’s attitude didn’t feel right. It contrasted uncomfortably with the fight he had with Rammot. Killua wanted to get over it. He shouldn’t be feeling this way. He half expected Illumi’s whispering voice at the back of his head to say something similar. Killua was relieved when he didn’t hear a thing other than the low hums of the air conditioner. 

His hesitation to rest wasn’t for nothing. This unresolved weight around him would only worsen. Evading is what he does. Killua isn’t one to face things head on. That was Gon’s thing. And that knowledge made it all worse. 

He threw his head back and just _breathed_ for a moment. Several moments, even. 

Face his feelings head on. That’s what he had to do. 

He took a glance at his best friend’s tranquil state. It was the good kind of relaxed. It rubs off on you. Killua’s posture softened. 

A few weeks ago, Gon’s appeal was made clear to Killua. Gon was light. Gon was pure, blinding light. Gon was an entire ray of sunshine. Maybe even several. Killua didn’t know for sure. But what Killua did know was that he didn’t know he was blind until he met Gon. Dark, uncertain, cold, miserable. Those words couldn’t even begin to describe Killua’s world before the Hunter Exam. Killua wasn’t aware of the degree of the darkness until he was exposed to this light. And it hurt. He wasn’t used to it then and it was very apparent. But the pain was addicting. He’d never go back. How could he? He got a taste and now he knows what it’s like to see. The world was beautiful. 

That was all made clear a couple of weeks ago. But Killua didn’t have enough time to process it then. But now was the perfect time. 

Oh. 

_Oh no._

Was this... 

Was this love? 

This couldn’t just be friendship. He was also friends with Leorio and Kurapika. But Gon... Gon was different. Of course, Gon is also his best friend. But Gon was also Killua’s best friend before he’s started to feel all of this. Something shifted. But when? 

_“It has to be Killua. He’s the only one for me.”_

A furious blush burned Killua’s cheeks at the memory. He sunk his face into his pillow. He wanted to scream. 

After a couple of minutes, he slowly lifted his head. His heart ached. Gon didn’t mean it that way. But oh, how _badly_ Killua wanted him to. 

_I guess that confirms it._

It was almost noon. Killua has been putting on a slightly more exaggerated unbothered attitude, somewhat of a facade, for a few hours now. For Gon’s sake. Maybe it was more for his sake. If their energies continued this unbalance, Killua’s turmoil was sure to worsen. 

_Fake it ‘til you make it. I want to be at Gon’s level again._

If there was one thing that was sure to make Killua feel better, it’s Chocolate Robots. 

He and Gon sat at a stone bench together. The plaza wasn’t too busy. Killua opened his box and pulled out a metallic gray miniature toy robot. 

“Again? That’s the third one.” He looked at it, disappointed, before pocketing it. 

Gon did the same. Only instead of a regular gray robot, he pulled out a gold painted one. 

“Oh! It’s a secret one!” Killua exclaimed. 

“It is?” 

“Yeah. You can sell it on the internet for a lot of money.” 

“Oh.” Gon examined it. 

“Well then you should have it.” Gon’s palm was outreached. Killua blinked at it. And why would he accept that? When Gon was being so... impossible earlier. 

“Not interested.” He ignored the shiny gold robot in Gon’s hand and instead tossed a few chocolate spheres up in the air and caught them in him mouth. Gon’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. 

“Did something happen?” 

“Hmm? No. Not really.” Lied Killua. Gon hummed, uncertain. It sounded more like a groan. 

Killua got up and jogged a few steps. 

“Come on. Let’s hit the gym.” 

Gon didn’t get up. 

“Killua.” 

Killua stopped jogging. His back was still turned. 

“Yeah?” 

“What happened?” 

There are a lot of unreliable things in this world. Everyone knows that. Nobody’s _that_ naïve. But humans latch onto patterns. Skeptics call it unreliable, as those patterns have zero concrete proof. None at all. But exploring these patterns can be fun for some people. Killua’s astrological sun sign is Cancer, which he guessed was mostly accurate. His blood type is A. The typical personality associated with it was less reliable, but it was still a bit relatable. Killua is a transmuter. Transmuters are described as people who rarely open up about their personalities or intentions. They’re described as liars. Killua lies. And he’s good at it. He could tell he almost fooled Gon. 

He turned around. 

“Come on.” 

He led Gon through multiple alleyways until he was sure they were alone. He sat on the textured stone steps that lead up to a back door of some building. 

“I fought that one annoying Chimera Ant. The one with the insufferable voice.” 

“The one we ran into with Kite? The one that got away?” 

“Yeah him.” 

They sat in silence of a moment. 

“Is that how you got hurt?” 

“Yeah.” 

Silence. 

“I- I don’t understand. This happened at the gym?” 

“No.” 

Gon pondered for a moment. The longer it dragged on, the sooner it would be until Gon’s brain was totally fried from overthinking. Killua let out a shaky sigh. It wasn’t supposed to come out that way. He cursed at himself internally. But it couldn’t be helped. 

“It was in the forest.” 

Gon’s eyebrows lowered. 

“Killua, what were you doing in the forest?” 

Killua looked at him. Gon’s big amber eyes were overlayed with concern. Killua watched his expression as his best friend waited patiently for an answer. Killua turned away the second he felt his own eyes become glossy. Gon was going to hate him. If Killua told him, Gon would be mad and he’d hate him. 

“ _Why don’t you trust me enough? Stay out of my business! You’re so creepy.”_

He could almost, _almost,_ hear it in Gon’s voice. He didn’t want to tell him. But he was just so sick of it all. So sick of lying to Gon, of lying to himself. 

His voice trembled. It was subtle, but it was there. 

“If I told you, you’d hate me.” 

“Killua...” 

Gon’s hand landed on his shoulder. It was delayed and it was gentle. And when Killua turned his head, the grimy and dim alleyway behind Gon transformed. The golds and yellows and oranges, the warmth that radiated from this light, completely changed their environment. Or at least changed the atmosphere that came along with it. Even a dull gray can become an orange when a beam of light bounces off of it. 

“I could never hate you. Ever. Even if you betrayed me, I wouldn’t be mad. Because I know you’re better than that. I know that you’d find your way again.” 

Such sweet and melodic sounding words shouldn’t have the power or the strength to shake someone to their absolute core. It was immersive. It was surreal. It was a drug. One sentence, and he was hooked. One sentence, and suddenly, he couldn’t live without it. One thing’s for sure, Killua couldn’t ever afford to lose Gon. Ever. 

“Gon...” 

“So tell me, Killua. Be honest. You’ve got nothing to lose.” 

Both of Gon’s hands were on his shoulders now. Killua let out a breath from his partially opened mouth. 

“I followed you and Palm around throughout your entire date. I was there the whole time.” 

Gon just stared at him blankly. Killua continued. 

“I wanted to protect you. I wanted to make sure you were safe. I couldn’t trust Palm enough to ensure your safety. So I took it into my own hands.” 

Gon’s hands were still on Killua’s shoulders. His expression hadn’t changed at all. 

“When you were at that tree with her, I decided to patrol the area. I came across the ant and we fought. It was really hard though. There was this voice in my head telling me to run away. And... there was this purple aura all around me.” 

Killua’s voice started to speed up with anxiety. 

“And- and I could see his swirling eyes. And he was telling me to run away.” 

“Who’s eyes, Killua? Who’s voice?” 

“Illumi’s. I didn’t want to run away. I was tired of running and not facing things head on, like you. I knew that running away from that fight would mean betraying you and leaving you to die. But it was really hard to resist it. So I jammed my finger into my head and pulled out a needle.” 

“A needle? Illumi put a needle in your head?” 

“Yeah. But after I took it out, I killed the ant and went back to find you. But you were gone. That’s when I ran back to the house and found you and Palm there.” 

Killua watched as Gon processed the information. His lips turned into a thin line. His pupils shifted over to the corners of his eyes. He stared intensely at the ground. 

Dread set in when Gon removed his hands from his shoulders and the pavement went back to gray. Gon’s body shifted away from Killua’s. 

The silence that flooded the alleyway was suffocating. Killua tried his best to hide his unease. 

“You did all that? For me?” Gon’s voice was uncharacteristically quiet. 

“Yeah. I was determined to protect you at all costs. Until you got your Nen back, at least.” Killua didn’t mean to say so much. His panic only increased. 

Gon was deep in thought. His elbows sat on his knees and his hands were cusped together at his nose. 

Killua was running out of air. Gon needed to say something, _fast,_ or he would pass out. 

“I was really mad when Palm tried to kill you.” 

His head jerked to the right. 

“What?” 

“I tried really hard to be calm because you probably would’ve called me stupid or something. ‘Cuz you even said it yourself; you could dodge that knife in your sleep. I didn’t want you to think that I think less of you or that you aren’t capable enough.” 

_‘_ _Well that sure_ _didn’t_ _backfire_ _.’_ Killua said to himself sarcastically. 

The reassurance that Gon’s dismissal of Killua’s concern wasn’t because he didn’t care for him, but rather, because he cared about Killua’s ego and what Killua thought of him made his shoulders drop. Killua felt the tension leave his body. It was replaced with icy cool relief. He couldn’t possibly get more relieved than this. 

“I didn’t want to go on a date with Palm either.” 

Scratch that. 

“You didn’t?” 

“No. But I still felt bad. She really wanted to go to NGL. And I promised her I'd win. I felt guilty.” 

“Oh.” 

The silence that followed after wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but it was a little awkward. It was as if there was more to be talked about. The space was yet to be filled. The universe knew the conversation wasn’t over. 

Killua fidgeted with his thumbs. 

“Hey Killua?” 

Killua hummed in response. 

“I’m glad I met you.” 

Blood rushed to fill Killua’s cheeks with embarrassment. 

“Idiot. You’ve said that before.” 

“I know. But I wanted to say it again.” Gon made eye contact with Killua, who picked up on a slight change in Gon’s tone. It sounded... bashful. 

It did no favors for Killua as it only amplified his blush. 

“I’m glad I met you, too. Probably more glad than you.” 

“What?” Gon whipped his head around. 

“Nuh uh! I’m more glad! I’d probably be dead without you!” 

“Yuh huh! I’m gladder! I don’t know where I’d be without you! Probably dead, too! I would’ve been miserable.” 

“Nuh uh.” 

“Yuh huh.” 

“Nuh uh.” 

Killua’s eye twitched as his patience started to run out. He had never met anyone more stubborn than Gon. 

“Yuh huh! Give it up, Gon. You’d be fine without me. I’m the one that can’t live without you.” Killua shut his mouth abruptly. But it was too late. What was said, had been said. 

“What do you mean by that?” Gon’s face twisted skeptically. His body shifted forward. 

_‘_ _Oh nothing. Just that you’re the light of my life and if I had to retreat back_ _in_ _to_ _the darkness, I’d probably give up_ _on everything. Nothin’ much.’_ Killua forced himself not to roll his eyes at his own thoughts. 

“Um... well,” 

_You give me purpose. You give me strength._

Killua scratched the back of his neck. 

_I would rather be with you than anywhere else._

Jeez. It felt like he implemented his own needle in his own brain. 

“I guess what I mean by that is that I can’t really imagine myself being happy without you.” 

Killua caught a gleam in Gon’s eye. It was quick, but it wasn’t undetectable. 

“I make you happy?” 

Killua stammered. 

“Duh! Why else do you think I haven’t left your side in like, two years? We’d might as well be attached at the hip at this point. I’d be down for it-” 

Killua was interrupted by unexpected arms being looped around his neck. He didn’t think Gon and him have ever really hugged before. An arm tossed around a shoulder was probably the closest they’ve gotten to one. That being said, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to him. 

The hug was disrupted by Gon himself, who had let go just as fast as he threw his arms around his best friend in the first place. 

“Sorry! That was unprepared. I didn’t warn you. You probably haven't been hugged much at home, huh?” 

“No, I guess not.” 

“Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize, stupid. I liked it.” 

“You liked the hug?” 

“Yeah.” 

And with that, the hug continued. Killua wished this moment would last forever. Among the weightless feeling that came with the embrace was a disturbing thought. 

_Hugs are rare. You won’t be hugged like this for a while. Not unless..._

No. 

No no no absolutely not. Not now. He had _just_ finished sorting out his feelings the night before. It was too soon. Not to mention the fact that Gon doesn’t feel the same way. 

“You make me happy, too, Killua.” 

Killua was kind of glad Gon wasn’t able to see the red that had made its way up to his face again. His ability to make him blush this many times was embarrassing in and of itself. 

“I don’t think there’s anyone in the entire world that could make me as happy as you do.” Gon paused for a moment. 

“Even Ging.” 

Holy fuck. 

“Damn it. Don’t you ever feel embarrassed when you say those things?” He muttered. 

“No? Why would I? It’s the truth.” 

The truth. 

Gon always tells the truth. Nothing’s ever half assed with him. 

Gon tells the truth. 

Killua owes him the truth. 

The whole truth. 

Killua bit his bottom lip anxiously. Anxiety pooled up and swirled around in his stomach. 

“Gon?” 

“Hm?” 

“There’s something you should know...” 

Oh fuck. He was really doing this, wasn’t he? 

“What is it?” 

The glands on his palms pushed out small beads of sweat. The pool of anxiety was leaking. 

“I- I think I...” 

Beads of sweat formed at his temple. 

“I think I like you.” 

_The truth. It’s the least I could do._

His eyes were closed shut. Was he going to regret this? Was their relationship ruined forever? 

Gon said nothing. 

Gon said nothing for a long time. 

They were still in a tight embrace. Maybe it was less tight now. Killua couldn’t tell. He wasn’t paying attention. He was just trying not to die of regret and anxiety and fear. 

“Killua.” 

Killua inhaled sharply. 

“You know you’re the only one for me.” 

  
(this is where the fluff ends for good)

* * *

It took a lot of stealth, a lot of quiet, a lot of concealment to get past the borders of The Republic of East Gorteau. It was all second nature to Killua. Gon wasn’t too bad at keeping up either. It definitely felt good to be in sync with each other again. 

He had wondered what would change about their relationship once it was mutually understood that it was no longer solely platonic. To his comfort, it seemed like not very much. The biggest difference was touch. A lot more hand holding, a lot more hand squeezes and shoulder squeezes, a lot more arm touching. It wasn’t at all difficult to get used to. It just felt so natural. Like they had been doing it all along. 

But for the most part, other than slight changes in tone, the dialogue they shared with each other hadn’t changed much at all. Their dynamic wasn’t impacted. Killua was grateful. 

He wished he could be taking a walk in the countryside with Gon on this crisp and chilly night under different circumstances. He wished they could be walking side by side in a comfortable silence, arms so close together that they made contact with every step they took. Or better yet, Killua wished they could be walking side by side, holding hands, and talking about things that didn’t matter. He wished that after walking for a while, they decide to lie down on the grass and gaze up at the stars. Killua almost never got to look up at the sky very often when his inhibitions limit him to the ground. But he’s always liked looking up at the countless little beads of light and gas miles and miles away. He wished he could take in every single cosmic phenomenon with his raw eyesight and preserve each memory forever. When all he saw was red for days and days on end, star gazing made for a good refresher. Whenever they allowed themselves to be seen, of course. Every glimpse of light would catch his attention. And when the clouds shifted over slowly and blocked his view, he would beg the clouds to move again. Stars were the only fragment of light he could hold on to in his world of shadows. He never took them for granted. 

Star gazing with Gon sounded like a dream. He wished they could be taking a walk together, looking for a soft place to lie down to just _exist._ But that wasn’t what they were doing at all. They were dealing with a threat to humanity. And it was damn annoying. 

But their mission was important to Gon. And if it was important to Gon, it was important to Killua. Kite _had_ to be avenged. 

At times, Killua just wanted to quit. Let someone else take care of the ants. But being by Gon’s side made it all bearable. He would never betray Gon. Ever. He had to be dependable. For Gon. So he stayed. And he never lost sight of their mission. 

A massacred village. A sloppy job. A conspiracy. An unsettling rush of realization. One right after the other. 

They weren’t normal kids; anyone could’ve told you that. Already so traumatized at such an early age... 

Their brains had adapted quickly from so much burden. Instinctively, they both rejected their brains’ request to process something so horrific and so disturbing. It slipped through their mind and was swiftly dismissed. But the rejection wasn’t an oily and slimy response. Too much residue would be left behind. Either vague memories, or none at all, as a result, could only be possible through evaporation. Like a white gas resembling a thin veil dancing in black space. 

Killua came up with a theory. He came with a plan. And maybe his mind _did_ simplify things a little too much. Maybe his mind made the plan easier to digest, for his own sake. It was a method practiced by his subconscious, designed to make it easier to go forth with a clear objective and a clear head. There was absolutely no room for fear and absolutely no room for error. 

Instead of repressing his indetectable panic, it would be projected onto entire populations and correspondingly, The Selection would be disrupted. That was Killua’s plan. 

“... Then, we just get the people who escape to check on other towns nearby and spread the word. If the Chimera Ants have manipulated puppets rather than actual Nen users, taking them down will be a cinch.” 

Killua walked in front of Gon but was still relatively close to him. Gon seemed to be lagging a bit behind. Maybe he was walking too quickly. 

“Yeah.” 

“We’ll just run around, taking them down one after another, and wreak havoc.” 

“Yeah.” 

Killua’s mouth thinned. He kept using the word “we.” Ideally, he’d prefer it if Gon stayed behind. The last thing he needs is the mission to be jeopardized. Gon would never forgive him if Killua allowed him to derail and ruin the main mission. And Killua would never forgive himself if he failed to be at Gon’s side and help him avenge Kite. It would be the same as betraying him. 

He kept his eyes on the dirt path in front of him. 

“The problem is that they’ll detect us quickly.” 

_That’s a start._

Recognizing the issue would make it easier to persuade Gon to stay behind. 

“Once we make our move, they’ll know we’re here. If we want to go with the old man’s plan, we should lay low. What do you think?” 

He watched over his shoulder as Gon thoroughly contemplated his plan. His eyebrows furrowed. 

“Let’s do it.” His countenance was serious and intense. The display on his face made him appear older. 

“If The Selection has already begun, we have to act fast.” 

“Alright. Let’s do it.” 

Gon agreed audibly. 

Killua’s face twitched with uncertainty and concern. For a moment, the only sounds that could be heard in the sleeping forest were the sounds of dirt shifting under his shoes. He let out a breath. 

“But... I’ll be doing it alone.” 

“Huh?” 

“You stay hidden.” 

Gon stopped in his tracks. 

“What?” His voice started rising angrily. 

“It’ll go better if we both-” 

“Don’t forget our main mission!” Killua interrupted him, the volume of his voiced was raised to match Gon’s. 

“We have to take _them_ down.” Killua pictured Neferpitou, the cat-like Chimera Ant with an aura made of pure menace and a bloodlust that exceeded the strength of Hisoka’s or even Illumi’s. He repressed a shudder. 

“That should be your focus.” 

Gon was stunned. A bead of sweat rolled down his jaw. 

“Let me handle everything else.” 

Killua’s feet continued their walk. Gon reluctantly followed. 

“And no offense,” He said after an uncomfortable and tense pause between them. 

“But it’ll be easier if I do this alone.” 

_I’d be too preoccupied with your safety. It’s better this way. I promise._

Gon frowned. 

“Yeah, yeah. I get it.” He muttered. 

Killua stopped. 

“Do you really get it?” Killua’s voice was low, almost a murmur. 

“Killua...” Gon’s furrowed brows lowered even further before tilting upwards. 

Killua’s fist clenched tighter. 

“Promise me you won’t make a move!” His thundering voice made Gon flinch. 

“Not even if you see people drop dead like flies right in front of you!” 

The black-haired boy’s mouth parted open in shock. 

“Promise me!” Killua started to sound desperate. He wasn’t giving orders. He was delivering a plea. His voice threatened to crack. 

“Killua...” Gon breathed out. His words were laced with concern. He stepped towards the silver-haired boy and reached his arm out for him with slight hesitance. 

Killua’s eyes widened slightly. He quickly changed his demeanor. 

“Sorry. It’s nothing.” The pitch in his voice increased. Gon still looked concerned. 

“I’m just a little on edge.” 

Gon blinked at him with worried eyes. Upon noticing his best friend was still unconvinced, Killua shot him a smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

He started to walk again but came to a halt when he felt a hand wrap around his forearm. Gon pulled him into a hug. Killua’s surprise quickly faded away as he melted into it. His arms wrapped around Gon’s torso. 

“Ok. Ok I promise.” Gon’s eyes were shut. He hugged Killua tighter. 

Killua sharply breathed in Gon’s scent. He smelled like the earth. Like an evergreen pine forest near a waterfall. The tension slipped off of him and relaxation took over. 

They broke apart. 

“I’ll text you, ok? Our phones should still have a signal here.” 

Gon nodded. Their hands found themselves pressed against each other as they walked, their fingers woven together. Gon’s hands were warm. Killua started to feel self-conscious of his own frigid ones. He wouldn’t want to steal the warmth away from Gon’s palms. But Gon didn’t protest. His hand didn’t even twitch at the contrast in temperature. 

The intimacy that radiated from their contact was almost enough to distract Killua away from the sense that someone else was present in that forest. He looked behind him and narrowed his eyes. 

_They’re good. I almost missed_ _them._

He decided to ignore it. 

A quiet dread formed in his stomach. This is where their paths diverge. 

“I’ll text you.” He whispered. 

“Yeah.” Gon whispered back. 

Killua didn’t walk away. Their eyes met. They knew their interaction wasn’t done. 

He stepped forward and lifted his hand to cusp Gon’s face. Gon leaned into his touch and closed his eyes. Killua’s lips landed on Gon’s softly. A beat in his heart skipped immediately at the union of their mouths. He could hear the blood in his ears and the blood in his flushed cheeks. Flowers in his core bloomed like fireworks expanding and shooting colors in every direction in the navy sky. Every flower inside of him had petals as large as the moon spreading up from the corollas. Silky, pink, and delicate, yet stronger than the Testing Gates. Killua had been watering the flowers with the ocean, still puzzled as to why they wouldn’t blossom. Bestowed upon him was a prescription for sunlight but Killua still hadn’t had a clue as to where he would get it. But now he does. And now his garden has flourished. And he doesn’t want this to ever end. 

At last, their lips were pulled apart. Gon squeezed his hand and Killua ran his thumb along Gon’s knuckles. Slowly, their grips loosened, and their threaded fingers began to diverge. Gon’s touch became fainter and Killua’s crave for it only amplified. Gon exchanged a small smile with him before turning his back. Killua felt the flowers in him wilt with every step he took, increasing the distance between him, his garden, and the sun. But they would be reunited again. Killua could only hope. 

The pain of being pierced through is unbearable. The pain of being pierced through in multiple places and in the same place multiple times should make you feel like your entire nervous system is going to implode. But it all pales in comparison to Killua’s childhood. And that’s enough for him to bear it with grit teeth and squeezed eyelids. Nothing could be worse than being swallowed by an asphyxiating and overwhelming shadow. He’d rather stand in the penumbra. 

He ran over to the edge of the water and looked at his reflection. His skin and clothes presented a collage of jagged shapes and colors. He bared resemblance to a dart board. 

Killua instantly recalled the amount of points for each body part of his that was struck. He associated each number with a spot on his body. The Ortho Siblings had given him clues, either because they were confident in their power or because they were morons who think out loud. Killua assumed the former. It actually was an unbeatable power. At least, on the surface. 

_“Again.”_

_Silva’s_ _firm voice rattled through Killua’s head. His father had been saying only one word for the past seven hours._

_The young child winced in_ _pain as he brought up his sore and heavy arm. He took aim and shot_ _the small and sharp missile at_ _the_ _board. A satisfying thud_ _rippled through the air as the dart hit the_ _cork behind the felt_ _. Killua sucked in a breath and balanced his weight. He fought the_ _urge to collapse. Collapsing wasn’t allowed_ _. I_ _f he did, punishment would include, but not be limited to, spending_ _dozens of hours_ _in his torture cell_ _._

Killua caught his pain in an imaginary net each time a dart impaled his flesh. It had been starting to take a toll on him. A sharp groan escaped his lips. 

‘ _It’s not- It's not over... yet.’_

He fell backwards as another dart penetrated his skin and pushed him back. 

‘ _Damn it... This looks pretty bad...”_

He slowly shifted into a sitting position, ignoring the awful bites at his nerves. 

‘ _I’ve lost way too much blood.’_

It didn’t help that the darts vanished into thin air every time a fourth dart passed through his body, unblocking his wounds and letting the blood escape through them. 

‘ _I could die here. No point in saving what’s left...’_

_“_ Now then, time for my final turn.” The brother’s cruel and disembodied voice travelled through Killua’s ears. Killua didn’t have to see him to know he displayed a snobby smile. 

Killua brought his right leg to a kneel, balancing himself with the pressure he applied onto the ground with his right hand. In his left hand, electricity was generated. It surrounded his entire body within seconds. He could hear the muffled crackles as the lighting prickled at his skin. 

A fish punctured his ear. 

_‘_ _Forty-seven_ _.’_

He felt a sharp jab on his calf. 

_'_ _Forty_ _.’_

Recalling the rules of the game, he predicted where the fish dart would pierce through next: his forehead, the forty-point area. 

His survival instincts developed an idea for him: he would use his electricity to trigger his nervous system to react the _second_ those fish darts made contact with his skin. It was an incredible idea. He even managed to surprise himself. He would’ve never thought his Hatsu would be used this way. 

Faking his defeat, he laid on the ground, eyelids draping over his sight. He sensed the siblings emerge from the water. 

“ _Patience is key. You must wait and sense for the perfect moment to strike.”_

Variants of that sentence had been drilled into his memories by both his father and his eldest brother. 

Noticing their lowered guard among their celebration, Killua mustered up the rest of his strength and swiftly tore off the heads of the Ortho Siblings. They hadn’t even noticed until it was too late, which was typically the case for most of Killua’s opponents who fell victim to decapitation. 

“H-How?” The brother cried. Killua pulled off the fish and the applied suction cup from his forehead with a pop sound. He sighed. How were they still talking? He was reminded of their status as mutant ants. 

_Oh right._

_“_ It’s a suction cup from the octopus.” He stated flatly. 

The brother became frantic. 

“No way. How did you manage that trick? No wait! My- My darts were perfect!” 

Killua tossed the fish at his side, discarding it. 

“They’re absolutely impossible to block!” 

Killua blinked tiredly. 

“Yeah. I didn’t block it. I just grabbed it the moment it materialized at my head.” 

The brother gasped thickly. It caught in his throat. 

Killua began to explain how he achieved this and his knowledge of darts when he realized the siblings still weren’t dead. The brother went on and on hysterically about Killua’s reflexes and how they weren’t at the speed of a typical human. Killua closed his eyes. He was getting tired of them. Or maybe just tired in general. He wasn’t in the mood to explain to them calmly how he accurately guessed the rules they were playing by. But here they were. 

Their disbelief was a little amusing, though. But the sister’s pitchy quarrels towards her brother and his annoying bickering back sure weren’t. What was with all these Chimera Ants and their insufferable voices? Killua began to stand up and drag his feet towards a presumed exit. 

‘ _I need to hurry.’_

His vision became dazed and his legs couldn’t carry his weight any longer. His body dropped to the floor. 

‘ _My body won’t do what I tell it to...’_

Panic bubbled up within him. 

_‘Wait... is this really happening?’_

Their deaths brought him satisfaction. But he felt oddly warm externally and yet absolutely freezing and numb internally. Looking down send a pang of fear through his chest. He was laying on his stomach in a frightening pool of blood. 

Was that- 

Was that _his_ blood? 

The red liquid itched farther and farther away, each trickle swallowing up more of the ground he was laying on. The pool was expanding. 

His vision fluctuated from blurry to pitch black. But one vision was perfectly clear. His mouth forced itself open. 

“Gon...” 

Killua’s eyelids became heavy. 

‘ _Gon... sorry... I wasn’t any help...’_

He snapped his eyes open with all of his remaining strength. 

“No. N-no. Gon...” 

‘ _I- I have... I have to st-stay alive...’_

He gasped for air. 

The kiss. 

The garden. 

The sun. 

Would a panic attack kill him faster? 

His weakening lungs dared to expand and contract at a heightened pace. 

“Gon...” He let out weakly. 

His throat felt dry. His tear ducts felt dry. He was going to die here. He was going to die without Gon. 

_If I say it, my words will manifest and they’ll be carried over to Gon. He’ll know._

With enough faith, it’ll come true. With enough faith, Killua can make up for all the time he’ll never get to have with Gon ever again. 

“I love you.” It came out hoarse but full of truth. 

The pain of his heartache overpowered the pain of being impaled. It overpowered the pain of having raw and red skin whipped over and over again a hundred times. It overpowered the suffocating world of shadows where no love could ever survive. It hurt so much he could die. 

He saw one last thing before his consciousness faded completely. Ikalgo. 

Killua’s eyes fluttered. Upon regaining consciousness, he jolted up, startling the rust red octopus next to him. 

“Oh- how are you feeling?” 

“Octopus! Where am I? How long was I out?” Killua was still in a state of panic. He tossed his body roughly as he situated himself on the hospital bed. 

“Don’t call me ‘Octopus!’” Shouted Ikalgo. He gripped his magazine angrily. 

“This is an underground hospital for folk with associations in the underworld.” He explained. 

“You were out for two whole days.” 

“Two days?” Killua didn’t have the energy to shriek, but if he did, he’d have to embarrassingly admit that he might’ve in that moment. His fingers tugged at his hair in stress. 

“I need to get going.” He began shifting off the bed. 

“Hey! Don’t push yourself! Your wounds will reopen.” Ikalgo blocked his way and encouraged him back onto the bed. He sounded concerned. 

“I have to follow through with the plan.” Killua said behind a groan. He tugged the IV off his arm. 

_I have to get back to Gon._

“Idiot! You were just on the verge of death. You need a few days before-” 

“Oh you’re awake?” An unfamiliar, croaky voice interrupted Ikalgo with a slight shrill. 

“That’s great.” The sweetness in her words sounded insincere and lazy, like it was dowsed in bitter honey. It wasn’t hard to notice. 

“Yeah. Thanks a lot. I’ll be checking out now.” Killua said with a slightly breathy and urgent tone. 

“Not until you pay me. Your total bill comes to 1.8 million Jenny,” Just as he thought. He caught an inflection in her voice. 

“If you can’t pay, I'll accept body parts instead.” Sweetness turned sinister. 

“I don’t have my wallet on me right now. I’ll wire you the money when I get back.” 

“Ah now. I’m not stupid enough to trust that you’ll keep that promise,” 

Shit. Well, it was worth a shot. 

“Until you find someone to bring the money, you’ll be staying here.” 

Killua clicked his tongue with annoyance and impatience. 

“I don’t have time for that!” He growled. 

“Let me borrow your phone.” 

Killua dialed Gon’s number on the outdated gray box. The doctor loomed behind him. 

“Oh and by the way, it costs 10,000 Jenny per minute.” He was starting to get irritated. 

“Would you just shut up and go away-” 

“ _Hello?”_

Gon’s voice interrupted his harsh lash at the doctor. 

_“_ Oh hey. It’s me.” 

_“Killua!”_

Gon’s screech stung his ear drums. But Killua was only glad he was blessed enough to be able to hear him speak again. 

_“Where are you? Are you ok? What happened? I was so worried!”_

Gon spoke with urgency and distress. Killua felt a bit guilty. 

“I’m fine. I’ll tell you later when I see you. Some ants gave me trouble. I’ve been in the hospital.” 

_“What?_ _Yeah... I figured. That explains the unease I felt, then.”_

So Gon knew that something was wrong... 

Killua wondered if his message got back to him, too _._

_“_ _I wish I could’ve been there to support you. But this means you’re ok now, right? You’re ok?”_

_“_ Yes, Gon. I’m ok. I promise. I’ll be back soon. Anything happen on your side?” 

He shifted the attention over to his best friend. Gon’s concern was starting to overwhelm him. In a good way. 

_“We’ve found a strong ally. He’s really hitting it off with Knuckle. We have a plan to defeat The King if it goes well.”_

Killua was relieved by the good news. 

“Oh?” 

_“Yeah. I want to meet up with you as soon as possible.”_

Killua smiled softly. 

“Yeah. me too.” 

Wait how many seconds had passed? That lady’s greed was damn annoying. 

“Hey listen, we gotta wrap this up. This doctor lady has been getting on my last nerve. I need you to send money into an account. She won’t let me leave otherwise.” The last sentence came out as a grumble. 

“Once that’s done, we can rendezvous today.” 

_“Alright sounds good._ _Bye.”_

_“_ Bye.” 

He set the phone down. He turned around to see Ikalgo standing behind him. 

“... What?” He said after being stared at for a few seconds. 

“Who’s Gon?” 

“Hm? Oh. He’s my... friend.” 

What exactly were they now anyway? It hadn’t been discussed. But Killua didn’t really think it mattered. He had expected their relationship to stay between them. They didn’t need to put a label on something that only they shared and that only they understood. He didn’t take into account how their relationship would look like from an outsider’s perspective. But he didn’t really care. Though, he would like to know how Gon felt about it. 

“Ok. I just got your payments. You can leave now, got it?” 

The lady’s adenoidal voice was heard, hopefully for the last time. 

Killua smiled. 

_‘_ _Good riddance.'_

After taking the time to stretch, he jogged over to the exit leading to an alleyway. He paused his hand over the doorknob when he realized Ikalgo wasn’t following him. 

“Why are you just standing there? Let’s go. We’re gonna go meet my friends. I’ll introduce you.” 

Killua was a bit confused at Ikalgo’s reactions towards his friendly gestures. They came off as a bit dramatic. Did he not think he was worthy of friendship? Killua had been there before. But it was much more likely that Ikalgo was rather moved by Killua’s friendliness towards him. It was more uncomfortable than it was flattering and it kinda put him in an awkward spot. He had to establish a few expectations so that they would be on the same level. Ikalgo agreed with them wholeheartedly. 

Killua could already tell that he made a good choice befriending Ikalgo. A literal life-saving choice. Although his decision was on a whim, he was right about Ikalgo being a cool person. 

He walked through the alleyways with his hands in his pockets. The orange sky broke through a couple of cracks and illuminated the corners of the dingy alleys. His mouth tugged into a tender expression. 

“Is it weird for dirty alleyways to remind me of something good?” 

“Huh?” Ikalgo looked up at Killua. Killua’s eyelids dragged down. 

“Forget it.” 

Ikalgo’s tiny footsteps echoed in the narrow space. After a while, he spoke up. 

“Well, to answer your question, I don’t think it’s weird.” 

“Mm?” 

“Yeah. I think brains make unique relations based on unique experiences. Not everybody’s the same, y’know? Associating things with other things that other people could find unrelated isn’t uncommon. At least I don’t think so.” Ikalgo scratched the back of his head. 

“Of course I’m not a neurologist or anything. Take all this with a grain of salt. But I think that’s what goes on in people’s heads.” He chuckled. 

Killua hummed. 

“But just out of curiosity,” Ikalgo started. 

“What good thing do dirty alleyways remind you of?” 

Killua’s lungs paused. 

Deciding on a careful way to phrase his words, his breathing resumed. 

“Well, a friend and I had a pretty good conversation in an alley, I guess.” 

His arms lifted up to the back of his head as he walked. 

“It’s a good memory.” A small smile made it onto his face again. 

“I also like how a dark alleyway changes when it’s lit up. Because you wouldn’t expect the light to reach it. But sometimes it does.” 

“Yeah, I get what you’re saying,” Ikalgo nodded. 

“I feel like people attach unfair assumptions onto things. Like, when people normally think of alleyways, they think of sketchy places with sketchy people. But if you think about it, when reduced to their most basic function, they’re just narrow spaces that separate buildings. People gave them a negative connotation based on the behaviors of other people who happen to be suspicious.” His face scrunched up as he explained his thoughts. 

“Like, obviously be wary of them because sketchy things _do_ go on in alleyways, right? But alleyways as a concept aren’t ‘dark’ as in, they’re ‘sketchy.’ Like I said before, they’re just narrow spaces that separate buildings.” Ikalgo looked up at Killua to see if his friend was following. 

“Sorry if I'm rambling. I’m probably not making any sense.” He laughed nervously. 

Killua’s contemplation was displayed on his face. 

“No, I get it. Alleyways by themselves aren’t bad places.” 

“Yeah exactly.” 

They had long since exited the alleyways they were speaking of and were now entering a more rural area. 

“You’re pretty open minded.” Killua commented. He wasn’t very accustomed to giving out compliments, but it sounded like something Ikalgo would like to hear. 

Ikalgo beamed. 

“You too. I’m glad we’re friends now.” 

The sentence reminded him of Gon. His heart began to beat with haste. They were going to see each other again after all. He’d be by his side again soon. 

_Gon._

_Wait for me._

_I’m coming._

(K this is where things take a turn for the worse)

* * *

Ten seconds felt so long looking into Gon’s icy stare, a shadow draped over his sunken eyes. Killua had never seen a more disturbing sight. Killua was the only one who noticed. 

The quiet tension behind the bushes outside the palace built up anxiety in him as the minutes passed. They arrived in the Nen Mansion calmly and confidently at first, but each fragment of time chipped away at the confidence at as memories of Pitou’s aura resurfaced in Killua’s memory. But to be perfectly honest, most of his anxiety came from his role in the operation. 

His job was to support Gon as much as he possibly could. He had to stay by his side. But he couldn’t guarantee sticking together. Not one hundred percent. The chance they could be separated refused to leave his mind. No matter how slim it was, the probability still existed. 

He took Gon’s hand in his own. 

10 minutes remained until they would infiltrate the palace. 

At some point, their hands broke apart. And ever since then, the light in Gon’s eyes dimmed significantly. 

The timer ran out. 

His legs carried him in a sprint. He turned at the corner of the central stairs as small bolts of aura shot down at the palace from the sky. Falling at their current speed caused them to resemble arrows. Complete and utter destruction followed with each arrow’s contact. They possessed the ferocity of a dragon. A ferocity that triggered a sense of familiarity in Killua. 

The sprint in his legs came to a halt with the shock the familiarity brought him. 

Was this Zeno Zoldyck’s Dragon Dive? 

He’s heard about it before, picking up on discussions his father and grandfather had when he was younger. And if privilege was granted, he would even be able to see the aftermath of it. But now that his aura nodes were open, he was able to lay his eyes on the shards of yellow aura raining down on them. 

A momentary confusion racked his brain as Gon ran straight towards Menthuthuyoupi. It seemed like the shower of aura wasn’t enough to confuse or distract him from his opponent. 

But why was Gon running towards an opponent that wasn’t his? 

Half a millisecond passed before Killua realized Gon’s fixation on his true opponent. But that opponent was not Youpi. 

Movement made it back into Killua’s legs as he dashed to Gon’s side. 

He felt his body shoot up as demolition struck the staircase through the muscular Chimera Ant’s force. Debris made its way into his senses, but they were in no way impaired. 

The two boys abandoned the ruins before the dust even had a chance to settle, changing their trajectory and running together in perfect sync. 

The sync was disrupted when Killua stopped and turned around on instinct to split the heads from the bodies of two chimera ants in Ikalgo’s way. He cursed at himself. 

_Shit._ _What am I doing?_ _Why did I leave his side?_

_“_ I owe you one.” 

Ikalgo’s voice was barely audible, yet it stirred up a turmoil inside Killua as they ran past each other. 

He forced himself to dismiss all thoughts. This was no time for panic. This was no time for scolding. They had a mission and the best he could do now was bring his focus back to the task at hand. 

Killua was already making his way towards Gon before the dismembered heads even hit the ground. 

He found him standing on the edge of the roof, seething with quiet rage. His past suspicions surrounding the Nen ability from earlier were confirmed when he saw his grandfather in the presence of Isaac Netero and King Meruem. 

Killua walked over to Gon with hesitance. The darkness in his eyes was still there. It reminded Killua of the suffocating world of shadows that this very same boy pulled him out of. And now he has shaded eyes to match. 

_This isn’t right. This doesn’t feel right. I don’t like this._

He debated putting his hand on Gon’s arm, interlocking their fingers and staring into his eyes, hoping that Killua’s eyes would bring back the ones he had familiarized himself with after all this time. The ones that hit you with warmth and kindness and adoration. The honey ones that he loves so much. 

But Gon’s energy was deterrent. Not in the way that makes you turn away in disgust, but in the way that intimidates you to your core and shrinks you until you feel small and meek. 

Killua felt the helplessness seep into his heart. 

But it would take a lot more than that to deter Killua away. 

A hand landed softly on Gon’s shoulder. 

“Gon...” Killua didn’t know what to say. He only wanted Gon’s eyes to brighten and light up again. 

Gon closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. His arm crossed his chest as his hand traveled to the one of his shoulder and settled itself on top of it. 

Killua was glad his reaction wasn’t harsh like he feared it would be. 

“Pitou’s in there.” Gon fixed his eyes on the throne room. His voice was low. That pitch didn’t sound right coming from his mouth. He took his hand off Killua’s. 

“Let’s go.” 

“Okay.” 

Together, they jumped. 

Their shoes slid on the second roof, sending dust flying as they hit the brakes. 

“Yo.” Zeno had his hands behind his back, his standard pose. Both of his eyes narrowed the slightest bit at the sight of Killua. 

Killua froze and blocked his nose from breathing in any more air. He hadn’t even considered the possibility of his grandfather seeing them. Luckily, Killua’s gesture wasn’t _too_ intimate. But his grandfather was an intelligent man. Trying to fool Zeno would make Killua a fool himself. He definitely caught on to the romantic nature of their relationship. No doubt about it. 

A bead of sweat threatened to form on Killua’s face. 

Zeno looked as if he was holding back something. His eyes shifted to Gon and back to Killua. 

“My work here is done.” 

Killua eyed him carefully. 

“I know nothing beyond the mission I was given. What happens afterwards is no concern to me.” 

He turned his back and started walking towards the edge. 

“You can judge what’s happening inside for yourselves.” 

“Inside?” Killua mumbled in response to his grandfather’s obscure sentence. 

Zeno said nothing more. In an instant, he was falling to the ground. Gon had already begun to walk into the room before Killua had even turned around to look at the entrance. 

Killua followed him through the dark hall. He lifted his head up and felt his pupils contract at the scene. 

Neferpitou was crouched near an unconscious girl, who was being operated on by an eerie looking puppet made of Nen. The puppet was connected to Pitou by their tail, which led Killua to believe that it was being controlled by the ant in front of him. 

Killua’s eyes looked over at Gon. The light in his eyes had retracted even further. Red fury radiated from him. His body language spoke of nothing but acrimony and malevolence. He took a step towards the ant. 

“Do you remember me?” His tone reflected his posture almost entirely. Killua could hear the clench of Gon’s fists. It made him want to tear his ears off completely. 

“I am Gon Freecss! I came here to avenge Kite!” 

Killua had never felt a threatening aura come from Gon before. And although it could be argued that it was far less intimidating than the others he’d been in the proximity of, Killua was scared. Killua had never, ever seen Gon like this and Killua was scared. 

Gon kept yelling. 

Killua observed the stance that Neferpitou took. He could see the panic in their eyes. They didn’t know what to do. 

It was strange, seeing Pitou like this. When they first encountered them, Killua was sure there was not a single drop of humanity in them. Not one. The way Kite’s arm was simply cast away without a second thought or a flash of regret across their eyes. No. That creature was not human. They had not a trace of remorse or guilt. 

Killua was bewildered at how someone could inflict harm upon another that way. But he was one to talk. Hundreds upon hundreds, and maybe even thousands of stolen lives was a burden he carried around his ankle, each one was taken without mercy. And even if his life depended on it, he couldn’t tell you what a single one of those people looked like. But even still, their spirits followed him around like an albatross, reminding him of a debt he will never be able to repay. 

He’s felt a similar bewilderment before when he saw his brother kill for the first time. 

Illumi. Everything he did, he did with quiet ruthlessness. His natural emotions were tortured out of his expression. And when he killed, Killua saw nothing in him. 

And yet Killua knew _for a fact_ that his brother was capable of empathy. It was hard to notice, but he still had the ability. 

He remembered a specific torture session with his eldest brother. Illumi had gone too far. Killua was a few seconds away from passing out from the pain. But he still noticed. 

Even with his ringing ears, Killua could hear the small gasp he let out. Even with his barely squinting eyes, he could see his contracted pupils. Even when pain was the only thing he could think about, he still processed all of this and had the memory preserved. 

Well, as much as it could be with dissociative amnesia, anyway. 

The Zoldycks didn’t kill with joy, despite a few exceptions. They aren’t in the business for the fun of it. They do whatever is efficient and effective and they hardly ever do more than what’s enough for the job. 

But Neferpitou was different. They didn’t kill with zero emotion. They killed with a hint of joy and curiosity. These types of things never bewilder Killua anymore. He’s seen countless of bloodthirsty people. But Pitou’s bloodthirst was something different entirely. 

Neferpitou wasn’t bloodthirsty now. The way they guard the girl’s body with their own and the frightened plea written over their face- 

It wasn’t bloodthirsty. It was almost motherly. Pitou wasn’t prepared to fight. They wore a thin blanket of aura. They might as well be naked. They were prepared to negotiate and to protect. The preparations for protection was something Killua understood. 

It was impossible. It had to be. Neferpitou isn’t the same. 

Killua’s argument with his intuitions only stopped when Gon spoke. 

“Get away from that person.” 

The debris under his boots sounded like gravel with each step towards the cat-like ant. 

His voice rose. 

“I said get yourself and that monster away from her right now!” 

His fists clenched even more. The crush of his muscles sounded like pain and rage. 

“Fight me! Fight me and bring Kite back-” 

Killua caught a twitch is Gon’s eye as Pitou lifted their open palms towards the ceiling. A Pitou with no malice. The gesture was almost worthy of making Killua rub his eyes and stare in disbelief. 

“I beg you. Please wait.” 

Their voice was meek and shaky. Gon’s face contorted with offense. 

“Get serious! What do you want me to wait for? Stand up! Let’s take this outside!” 

Dots in Killua’s head connected. Parallels were drawn. 

_This girl... must be special to The King. Could she.... could she be the reason why he may have hurt himself?_

Pitou was healing the girl by the orders of The King. Their ability limits their capability to fight. 

It was all made clear to Killua. 

He watched as Neferpitou begged for mercy. He watched as they begged for Gon to let them save the girl. He watched as Gon, bright, shining, _beautiful_ Gon, wrinkled his face with disgust and fought to comprehend how this _ant_ could beg for mercy when they themselves have shown absolutely _none_ towards Kite. 

Killua watched as Gon’s beauty and shine spiraled down a drain quicker than he could block it. 

Killua watched as he began to lose him. 

He hid his franticness. He had to get this under control. He couldn’t afford to lose him. He couldn’t. 

“Gon wait a minute.” His foot stepped forward. It was cautious. Almost like he was avoiding setting off a trap. 

“That girl was probably injured from my grandfather’s Dragon Dive.” 

Gon dragged a tense pause. 

“And?” 

“And that probably means that... Pitou might be telling the truth.” 

Another tense pause stretched in between their dialogue. 

“So what?” 

“So... let’s wait. Until the healing’s finished.” 

Gon almost scoffed. 

“’Probably?’ ‘Might be?’ So what? We’re just gonna wait?” 

Killua forced himself to manually breathe. 

“And if we wait, whether or not they actually do what I say is another ‘probably,’ isn’t it?” 

In and out. Inhale, exhale. 

“Probably! Maybe! Might be! Are you serious!?” 

Gon was screaming. Gon was actually screaming. 

“Give me a break!” 

Gon was screaming and he was screaming at Killua. 

“Get real!” 

He was screaming. 

Gon turned around and sent a blast of air towards Killua. It hit him like the first lash of a whip he ever received. 

“Have you gone nuts!? You’re saying we should really believe a word this thing says? There’s no way we could!” 

A crack forced itself into Killua’s ear. His eyes shifted towards the source of the sound. 

“If you so desire, you may also have my right arm.” 

Killua’s eyes widened in shock. Neferpitou’s left arm was stretched out in front of them, painfully disfigured. 

“And if that isn’t enough, you can have both of my legs!” 

Pitou sounded manic. 

“If, after the healing is finished, you feel that I am acting even slightly suspicious... as long as it does not impede her healing, I don’t even mind if you destroy me!” 

Was Pitou doing this out of guilt? Are they guilty for what they did to Kite? Or do they care about The King that much? 

“But please, I'm begging you, please let me save her!” 

That seemed to have struck a nerve with Gon. He drove his fists into the floor, destroying it. 

“That isn't fair! That isn’t fair, damn it!” 

He stood up. 

“Why are you only thinking about her!?” He pointed at the tranquil body behind Neferpitou. 

“Why are you suddenly asking for mercy? After what you did to Kite!” 

“Gon!” 

“Why, damn it?!” 

Gon roared. Gon let his rage escape in the form of a ferocious roar. The sheer power was almost enough to send Killua flying. 

He seethed. 

“Don’t mess around with me.” 

The darkness in his tone... Gon was completely unrecognizable. Killua didn’t know who he was staring at. 

Gon began his chant. 

“First comes-” 

“Gon!” 

He had to stop him. Before he was lost for good. Killua would do anything, _anything_ , to bring Gon back. 

“If you kill them now, you’ll never get Kite back!” 

Gon’s Jajanken shrunk. 

The quiet was crushing Killua. 

“Must be nice, Killua...” 

Killua flinched at the sound of his name before he could suppress it. He didn’t like how it sounded coming out of this person’s mouth. 

“Must be nice to act so calm right now. Since this means nothing to you.” 

Fun fact: Killua is incredibly strong. He could push open three of the Testing Gates no problem. He carries around about 220 pounds of weight in his pockets where his yoyos reside everywhere he goes. 

So then why... 

Why was this weight so crushing? 

Why couldn’t he lift this dark and heavy feeling from his stomach? It fell from his chest and pulverized his lungs. Bile climbed its way up his throat. 

What could he even say to that? When just a few minutes ago, Gon’s hand was on top of his! When just a few hours ago, their hands were interlocked so tightly! When just a few days ago, they were caught up in an embrace as if the world was ending! And just days before that when they kissed! And weeks before that when they hugged in that dirty, grimy, disgusting alleyway. 

What could he even say? 

And when did Gon get so far away? 

Killua wasn’t by Gon’s side. Gon was ten steps in front of him. And ten steps was a ravine that couldn’t be crossed. 

Killua’s voice shook as he gulped back a croak. 

“Do you have _any_ idea how fucking difficult and excruciating it is to see you this way? Do you really think this doesn’t fucking hurt? This hurts more than any form of fucking torture I've ever had to deal with!” 

Gon’s back was still turned away from him. 

“You think this means nothing to me? You think I don’t fucking care? Newsflash, idiot! I care! I care a fuck ton about this because I care about _you!_ You’re the only good thing to ever happen to me, god damn it!” 

Killua erupted. He started yelling, too. Words slipped out of his mouth without any thought. They were written in black ink and the atmosphere was dry parchment. Killua could only foolishly hope his words wouldn’t be used against him. 

“Don’t you fucking remember? You said that it’s _my_ job to keep your reckless ass in check! Well that’s what I’m doing! Did you forget what you just said minutes ago? You’re gonna bring back Kite! You want to do that? Then get a fucking grip!” 

Killua was barely able to keep his tears at bay. He had to stay dependable and supportive. He wasn’t allowed to cry. But if the silence that followed were to last only one second longer, he might’ve given up. 

Killua could see Gon’s shoulders move up and down slightly as his chest expanded and contracted with every breath. 

“Thank you, Killua.” 

Killua’s eyes fluttered in relieved surprise. 

“Sorry for what I said. You’re right.” 

Killua sighed. Thank God. 

Gon turned his attention back to Pitou. 

“How long do I have to wait?” 

Pitou looked at the girl’s body. 

“In order to fully restore her, I expect it will take three-to-four hours.” 

“That’s no good. I can’t wait that long.” 

Pitou paused to contemplate. 

“If I have one hour, I can heal most of her critical wounds. I beg you. Please.” 

Gon looked down at them, eyebrows furrowed dangerously. 

“After one hour, you’re coming with me to Peijing. Then you’re going to bring Kite back.” 

His face darkened. 

“Can you promise me that?” 

“Certainly. I promise.” 

Gon took a seat on the floor. His arm rested on his knee. 

“Fine. I’ll wait here for one hour.” 

Gon would be fine on his own. Pitou was vulnerable and Gon was in control. But Killua didn’t leave. He ignored the feeling that he would be needed somewhere else. 

He dragged his feet to where Gon was seated. His whole body was weighed down by emotional exhaustion. He carefully sat down on the floor next to Gon and rested his head on his shoulder. For a second, Killua thought his eyes became brighter, even if only barely. 

He closed his eyes. 

Killua was going to stay true to his promise. He wasn’t going to let the distance between them become that broad again. 

He was going to sit here on this cracked and broken floor, fragments of stone and dust scattered throughout, for one hour. 

He was going to sit here for one hour, next to Gon. Next to this melting candle, with a fire so large yet so dim. And he was going to make sure that the flame burning with such rage didn’t completely deteriorate the wick into ash. 

Killua would not lose Gon. 

Killua would not betray Gon. 

Killua would stay by his side. 

Forever and always. 

(we're getting into HEAVY territory)

* * *

Whirlwind was an ability he never thought he would come up with. Its birth was nearly followed by his death as he uttered three words full of earnest truth and devotion. It was a miracle that he even made it out alive to refine the ability into what it went on to become. But that devotion and that ability would prove to be his downfall. 

Because protecting Gon became his primary instinct. 

“Time’s up.” Gon had said, voice low and monotone and unfamiliar. 

“Stand up.” He had said. 

Neferpitou extinguished their Nen puppet and got up carefully. Killua did the same. 

“Let’s leave for Peijing. We’ll get there faster if we run.” 

Killua’s lips thinned. 

A small groan escaped a pair of lips. The young woman sat up weakly, holding her head. 

“W-what happened?” 

They faced their bodies towards the woman. 

Pitou stuttered. 

“I’d like to take her with us if we can.” 

“Pitou,” 

A large shadow cast itself on Gon’s face. It was drawn on harshly in hatching, shaded in black and the darkest of grays. It looked like graphite pressed down into a page as far as it could before it tore through it. 

Even a glimpse of Gon’s face was enough to have it burned into Killua’s mind like hot steel branding cattle. 

“If you cause any more trouble, I’ll kill her.” He pointed to the young woman, who was oblivious to what was even happening. 

“Gon.” Killua reacted, words weighted down by the sternness in his tone. Unsettlement creeped back in as he realized that his partner was still unlike himself. 

Gon ignored him. 

“I’m s-sorry. Am I in the way? I don’t know what’s going on...” 

She spoke in a manner so docile, it reflected years of obedience and submission and self-degradation. Killua just knew without even knowing who she was. 

Neferpitou hid a gulp. 

“Alright. Let us go.” They agreed. 

From where they were standing, Killua was sure Pitou could easily slit Gon’s throat with a single hand. But Pitou didn’t move. 

Knuckle offered to use his Nen to help Gon, to which he refused. 

“I trust Pitou.” He said. 

“I need you to protect her until we find Kite.” His index finger traced back to the young woman. 

_A hostage?_

_“_ If Pitou heals Kite, then set her free.” 

Killua confirmed it with himself. She _is_ to be taken as a hostage. 

He had no problem with the idea, it was just so... weird hearing such a plan from Gon. 

“You trust me, don’t you, Pitou?” 

Sweat formed from all glands on their face as their eyebrows knit together and teeth clenched with pressure. 

Ikalgo pulled his attention away from them. 

“Killua, are you going with them?” 

Killua’s eyebrows dropped. 

“What? Of course I am.” 

He consciously moved closer to Gon. 

_No more than ten steps._

“No you’re not.” 

Killua’s eyes twitched. 

“Excuse me?” 

Gon grabbed his arm and met Killua’s eyes. He spoke in a hushed voice. 

“I need you to stay behind. I don’t want them to use you against me.” 

Killua paralleled Gon’s action and grabbed his arm as well. 

“Gon, I don’t care. I’m fighting by your side.” 

“Killua I'm not going to ask again-” 

“You didn’t even ask!” Killua’s eyes began to plead. 

“Gon I’m not leaving you. I’m not.” His voice was barely a whisper, but it held twice as much sentiment as an ocean of tears. 

He held onto Gon’s arm like it was his only hope for making it out alive from a deep ravine. His arm was a rope coming undone, attached to the ends of a dingy bridge made of rotting wood, and Killua was dangling off it for dear life. 

Gon was expected to act stubbornly. Giving up is _never_ an option with him. 

But Gon wasn’t himself. 

He let go. 

“Alright let’s move.” 

Killua ran behind Gon through the thick wood. One glimpse up above, and he could see the vary last remnants of dusk being replaced by a black night as the indigo was drained from the sky. 

It would be a clear night on a full moon. 

What a good night for star gazing it could be. 

Their running came to a standstill as the hideout came into view. 

“That’s the place.” 

They made their way to the entrance, leaping and running past the remaining lengths of forest vegetation. 

The enormous and intricately carved doors opened with a low creak. Their shoes tapped against the shiny tiled floors as they walked in. 

“It’s the farthest door on the right.” Directed Gon. 

Killua and Gon walked behind Neferpitou through the hall. Killua noticed their shoulders tense. He narrowed his eyes. 

_Did they hear something?_

He sensed something suspicious. 

“Continue to the right.” 

“Understood.” 

Pitou’s voice was like a whisper. 

_Are they replying to Gon or... somebody else?_

The tiles turned to stone under their feet as they crossed the threshold leading into the room Kite was in. 

Kite sat on the floor with his legs bent. His skin was badly scarred and thin. Killua would see the bones under it. He grimaced. It reminded him of home. That place that shouldn’t even be considered as such. He took it back. It reminded him of his past. 

“Now as promised, heal Kite.” 

Pitou was awfully quiet. _Awfully_ quiet. 

Gon felt the need to elaborate. 

“With your Nen. Like how you did with the girl in the throne room. If you do, we’ll release her.” 

Pitou slowly walked towards the Kite’s damaged body. They stopped abruptly in their tracks. 

Hesitation. 

It was hesitation. 

Pitou’s back was turned to them, leaving only waves of white locks in view. 

“Name?” 

Gon’s eyebrows lowered in slight confusion. 

“What did you say your name was again?” Rephrased Neferpitou. 

“Gon Freecss.” 

“Gon...” 

Pitou paused. 

“You listened to my request, so I figured I’d just tell you honestly.” 

Something was wrong. They were losing control. 

Pitou’s tone in voice was different. It was... _cool_ _er_ than before. A calm and chilled confidence. 

“He is... already dead.” 

Killua’s heart stopped. But he was sure Gon’s heart stopped before his. 

“What?” Killua gasped. 

Gon’s face froze. 

“He died while fighting with me,” 

Killua recalled that night. He remembered Pitou’s aura. Pitou’s bone-chilling aura. 

He remembered carrying Gon on his back for hours and setting him down against a tree by the border. 

He remembered Gon’s beautiful sleeping face and the guilt that had drilled itself inside him as the adrenaline wore off. 

He remembered the guilt decaying when Gon _insisted_ that Kite was alive. 

But Gon was wrong. 

This whole time- 

Gon was wrong. 

Killua could only imagine what he was feeling right now. 

Kite’s body hit the ground with a thud. 

“At the time, Gon, you were...” Pitou’s sentence fizzled out. Killua presumed they just didn’t know what else to say. _Nothing_ they could ever say would make a difference. 

“I cannot bring back the dead. All my ability can do is restore things so that they will not decay and... manipulate things.” 

Killua stared at them in shock. But it didn’t show on his face. 

“His soul is no longer here... and he will never return.” 

Pitou turned their neck around and exposed their widened eyes and small mouth. 

“Sorry.” They said with a blank face. 

That stupid blank face. 

That _stupid_ blank face. 

The plain _audacity_ of this ant- 

Killua felt rage in him elevate like red rising in a thermometer. He didn’t hear Gon fall to his knees in anguish. 

“You _bitch.”_

All the time wasted; all the hope lifted- 

It all meant _nothing_ to this ant. 

He felt his pupils contact familiarly, the way they did when his “switch” would flip. 

He welcomed the feeling with grace. 

He had _never_ wanted to kill anyone more than he wanted to kill this ant. 

He felt his body heat plummet with the bloodlust he expelled. 

He was about to go in for the kill when: 

“I killed Kite...” 

Killua swiftly turned his head behind him. His expression changed completely the moment his eyes laid on Gon. 

His head was hunched downwards. Silent tears streamed down his vacant face and pooled up at his chin before falling to the ground and splashing upon contact with the dry stone, darkening it as it soaked up the droplets. 

Killua assumed the tears flowed so freely because of the shock. Otherwise, his face would’ve contorted and tightened, and every noise would come out choked and strangled. 

He had never seen him cry like this. 

He rushed over by his side. 

“No. Gon, no, it wasn’t your fault-” 

“I killed him. I left without a second thought...” 

“Because of me! We ran because of me!” 

“I did this.” 

“No!” 

He grabbed onto Gon’s shoulders desperately. 

“Pitou did this! Pitou killed Kite! This is _their_ fault. You-” 

Gon’s head was lifted. 

Gon was looking up. 

But not at him. 

And his faced displayed a twinge of hope. 

Killua looked behind him. The eerie puppet of Nen grew back from Neferpitou’s tail. 

_What?_

_Why?_

_Are they going to heal Kite after all?_

_No. They weren’t lying about that._

His eyes widened in realization when they lifted up their arm. 

“Don’t- don’t tell me you’re going _heal_ yourself!” 

Unbelievable. It was unbelievable. 

Just how far was their audacity going to stretch? 

Killua let out a hollow laugh. 

“You’re going to regret ever getting cocky with us.” 

Pitou ignored his threats. 

“Gon,” 

The puppet dissolved back into their tail. 

“Unfortunately, I have to kill you and your partner. For the King.” 

That struck his last nerve. 

Killua pulled out his yo-yos. 

He threw them so quickly at Pitou’s shoulders, that they pushed them into the wall with incredible force. 

They gasped sharply as their back hit the wall, pushing the air out of their lungs. 

The exoskeleton around their shoulders was sure to be cracked. 

Killua ran electricity through the metal. 

Pitou shook and burned as the lightning bit at their limbs. 

He had to admit that it was lot more electricity than he would’ve used if he was calm. 

He clicked his tongue as he scolded himself. 

If he continued at this rate, he’d deplete his aura faster than he’d want to. 

His yo-yos retracted back into his hands. 

_Whatever. That should stun them._

Gon rose to his feet. 

“Killua. Stop.” 

Killua turned around. He drew in a frightened breath. 

Gon looked... 

Empty. 

Absolutely hollow and empty. 

“I don’t want the hideout to be destroyed.” 

And he walked out. 

Of course, Pitou would definitely follow. 

Killua began to walk out right when alarms bells went off in his head. He swiftly ducked downwards and leaped to the side, missing Pitou’s dagger-like fingernails by a fraction of a second. 

_Stupid bitch. I can do that, too._

He thought, pushing out his own claws from his fingertips. 

Pitou had an enormous ghost of Nen overhead, controlling them like they themselves were a puppet. Killua suspected that was the reason why they were able to recover from the attack so quickly. They were leaving their movement up to the ghost. 

_And I can_ _also_ _do that._

_“_ Gon, get out of here. I’ll lead them out.” He said, activating Godspeed. 

Gon gave him a single nod and made his way towards the doors. 

Having abilities that would cancel each other out was counterproductive. 

Killua dodged each attack Pitou tried to land on him. They eventually got fed up and disabled their ability. 

They concentrated all their strength into their legs, like a slingshot being pulled back, and leaped at him. Their claws plunged into his torso, sending him flying with them out the door. 

Upon the claw’s contact with his body, he grasped onto their wrists and pushed down, causing their claws to drag down his skin, but not very far. Their wrists touched the floor and he lifted his body up, pushing the claws out of his body and landing at the ends of their feet. 

Their head crashed into the hallway wall. 

_‘So much for not doing any property damage,’_

He said to himself internally with a barely audible wince. 

They looked back at him, livid. 

_Oh shit the bloodlust._

He narrowly avoided being caught in it as he turned off Whirlwind and activated Speed of Lightning, racing out the building. 

He disabled his Hatsu when he caught up with Gon. They ran side by side into the forest. 

“What’s the plan?” 

The orange star concentrated at Gon’s fist. 

“I'm going to crash them into that tree.” He said, nodding up towards a large tree up ahead before beginning his chant. 

Pitou jumped in front of them. Killua’s heels dragged in the dirt, putting his running to a stop. 

The orange star ran itself into Pitou’s stomach, sending them up into the air. Gon leaped up and prepared his leg to kick them into the tree, but Pitou grabbed onto it and threw him in that direction instead. 

Gon collided into the tree horizontally. He rolled over the roots on his side. 

“Gon!” Killua cried out. 

With a shaking arm, Gon pushed himself up. He balanced himself back on his feet. He sent look towards Killua. 

Killua recognized it instantly. 

He needed to use Thunderbolt to stun Pitou long enough so that Gon could leap up and use Rock to drive Pitou into the ground without them dodging. He needed to stun them long enough for them to not activate their puppet master ability instantly and have it do the dodging for them. But it needed to be short enough so that Gon wouldn’t get electrocuted when his fist met their body. 

They both jumped into the air at the same time. 

“Pitou!” Gon yelled, grabbing their attention, a move necessary in order to keep them from activating their ability before Killua had a chance to electrocute them. 

He shot a bolt of lightning at Neferpitou. Their body jerked aggressively as the currents ran through them. 

Gon shot down from the sky, his fist glowed red. 

This was it. 

They were going to defeat Pitou. 

But just before they were about to meet their presumed fate, they dodged. 

Tremors rippled under the earth as Gon thrust his fist into the ground. 

How could this happen? 

The possibilities ran through Killua’s head in a split second. He came to a conclusion. 

_In. They used_ _In_ _to mask their Nen and we were stupid enough to not use Gyo. Fuck!_

He landed on the ground and fell back as the tremors moved in waves under his feet. 

The world moved in slow motion as Killua witnessed Pitou appear behind Gon, ready to dismember his head from his body. 

Whirlwind activated within him subconsciously. 

He got up and leaped towards Pitou. He pushed them away from Gon and clung onto their shoulders, but it was either because his mind lagged behind and stuck on the instinct to protect Gon, or because he ran out of aura, that he allowed himself to be vulnerable and take a lethal hit from Pitou’s hand as it ran itself through his stomach. 

Pure white fear surged through his body. He had made a fatal mistake. 

“KILLUA!” 

Gon’s scream had to be loud enough to be heard all the way from the palace. But Killua wouldn’t know. He heard nothing. 

Blood shot from his mouth in the form of a cough. Neferpitou pushed him back with their other hand pressed flat against his chest. His wounded body flew meters away from them. He felt his back strike the earth. 

He was paralyzed. 

And he was too late to notice Gon was paralyzed too. 

He met the same fate. He didn’t notice Pitou’s arm coming for him before he could jump and land a hit on them. 

Killua wished his sense of hearing never came back. 

The first sound he heard was Gon’s strangled gasps as a wound formed on his stomach surrounding Pitou’s hand. 

The next was the sound of Neferpitou extracting their hand. 

And then the sound of blood dripping from said hand. 

And then the sound of Gon losing his balance. 

His knees bent as he fell backwards and the thud leaving the space between his back and the ground echoed inside Killua’s ears. 

He let a tear escape. 

“Gon!” He choked. 

He was more than ten steps away. 

Pitou had wasted no time in abandoning them and had left them to die as they headed back towards the palace. 

Killua couldn’t decide if it was a humane act or not, leaving them to die with no one but each other. It could either be that or their animal instincts telling them to get back to the king as soon as possible. But it didn’t matter because they were gone. 

Killua knew that the way Pitou had struck _him_ specifically left him no room for survival. Pitou must have done this because of Killua. This was his fault. He made himself known as a weakness and now Gon was going to suffer. Maybe Pitou didn’t have an ounce of humanity in them after all. But Killua didn’t care about that anymore. It was irrelevant. His main concern was Gon. 

He inched his body closer and closer towards the short and choked gasps of pain. Every small movement was a pain he wasn’t trained to bear. But Killua couldn’t care less. 

He laid down by Gon’s side and held onto his hand. 

“Killua,” His voice was hardly above a whisper. 

“Killua I’m sorry.” 

Killua panted. 

“It’s ok. Save your... strength, Gon.” He held back a grunt. 

“Killua it’s- it’s not ok. I didn’t a-avenge...” He breathed in sharply. 

“I didn’t avenge K-Kite.” His grip on Killua’s hand got tighter. 

“I was t-too weak.” He tilted his head higher as tears started to well up in his eyes. 

“Gon you d-did... everything you could.” Killua winced. 

“It was my f... fault, not yours.” 

He clenched his eyes shut as pain throbbed in his stomach. He could hear Gon’s sobs as he spoke. 

“I-I was s... so awful to you...” 

“Gon it’s... ok.” 

“K-Killua it wasn’t ok. I’m s... sorry.” Gon’s tears didn’t come out freely. Killua noticed this typical occurrence with Gon. Whenever he cried, his face would tighten, and he would pause bluntly between words to stop his voice from trembling. 

Killua clenched his eyes tighter and formed his mouth into a thin line. 

“Gon... you tens-tense up when you... cry. Cut that out and re... lax.” He felt his consciousness waver. 

He forced his eyes open. For the next minute, he would focus on staying awake. The silence was filled with suppressed groans and the sounds of Gon crying. 

“Fuck. It hurts so much.” 

Killua had never heard Gon swear before. 

“I know. Stay al-alive for me.” 

“I don-don’t know if I... can.” 

“Gon, you have t-to. Because...” 

His eyes began to close. 

“Killua don’t- don’t go to sleep.” 

“Gon,” Killua forced a sad smile. 

“I’m going to die.” 

Gon’s sobs became louder. 

“Killua s-stop, please.” 

Killua demanded his eyelids to open. He wanted to look back at Gon one last time. 

He gasped. 

The light- 

The light in his eyes- 

It was back! 

Tears formed at the corners of Killua’s eyes. 

The light was really back! 

The amber, the honey, the gold- 

It was all back. 

"It’s back.” He uttered. 

“What?” 

“You’re back.” 

He reached out his hand weakly and wiped away Gon’s tears. He cusped his face. 

Gon leaned into his touch 

“I love you, Killua.” He whispered. 

Killua let out a shaky breath. 

“You’re the light of my life.” 

He pressed their foreheads together. 

Their lips bonded. 

For a second, the pain disappeared. 

Killua set his eyes to the night sky littered with stars. 

His eyes widened as they began to fall like an imber of light. 

A meteor shower. 

He stared at the sky in awe. 

“What do you wish for?” Asked Gon. His voice was fading. 

“My dying wish already came tr-true, moron.” He breathed out a laugh. 

“What...” Gon winced. 

“What was it?” 

Killua had his eyes fixed on the sky. He had to stay awake just a little bit longer. The display on the night sky was enough of a tool to cheat death, even if only for a few minutes. 

“For... the light in your eyes to,” He sucked in a breath. 

_Just one more minute. Please._

“To come back.” 

Gon mustered up the strength to let out a small laugh. 

“Wanna know what... my wish... is?” 

Killua nodded. He couldn’t speak anymore. 

“I want us t-to... stay together for... ever.” 

Gon squeezed Killua’s hand, although his strength had already been leaking out of his body at an accelerating rate. 

“Killua. I p-promise I’ll meet you again in my next life.” 

Killua smiled has he felt the last traces of warmth leave his body in the form of a tear. 

_What did I ever do to deserve you?_

He closed his eyes and let the darkness surround and a wrap around him. 

His heart pushed out its last beat. 

Their bodies lay idly on the forest floor, like that perfect piece of strawberry cake on the hotel’s white porcelain. 

The same blood that once filled his cheeks at the sound of Gon’s shameless compliments now escaped through a single wound, similar, yet unlike the many punctured holes in his body that were treated at the underground hospital. 

Back then, Killua thought he was going to die. And he didn’t. 

Because his time was now. 

His last thought of comfort was of the dirty alleyway he confessed in. 

He was going to die, and he was going to die under the same dirt covering the alley’s gray concrete in dust. 

He was going to die, and he was going to die under different, more brighter stars then the ones above Kukuroo Mountain. 

He was going to die in the best way he could imagine. 

His life began with Gon. 

And his life will end with Gon. 

Killua wouldn’t have it any other way. 

* * *

Epilogue - 

Mito rubbed the sweat on her forehead with her forearm. The hot August sun kissed the surface of her skin, making the freckles on her nose darken. She’d be flattered if it wasn’t so hot. 

She noticed the ball of flame had reached its peak in the sky. 

_It’s noon. I should go inside and make some lunch, then._

She held up her wet skirt and inspected it. The light brown tea stain still hadn’t washed off. She frowned. 

“Rusty old washboard.” She muttered. 

Mito got up from her seat and sighed. 

_The cucumbers in the garden won’t be ripe for long. I could make stir fry. Hm... but I'm craving something cold. I could make a salad. Maybe I should also pickle them for dinner later. And to preserve them._

Her skirt now swayed in the breeze as it hung clipped up on a rope. 

Mito looked at her drying clothes at a distance, expression dissatisfied. Her fists found themselves on her hips. 

_Note to self: buy a new washboard._

Mito brought in the basket of cucumbers from the garden and set it down on the table. 

“Right so.... oh yes!” She snapped her fingers and dashed to the kitchen. 

She peered inside the refrigerator and felt her eyebrows cross slightly in confusion. 

“Hey Grandma?” She called out over her shoulder. 

“Yes?” 

Her grandmother was sitting at the table, knitting a new table runner as a wedding gift for two residents on the island who had recently gotten engaged. 

“When did we run out of vinegar?” 

“Well I’d say...” Her grandmother pondered for a few seconds. 

“Around a week and a half ago when we made those sauces.” 

_Oh right. The sauces._

Mito hummed. 

“I wanted to make a salad today... and I wanted to pickle some cucumbers too...” She said behind a small groan. 

She sighed. 

“I guess I’ll just run to the market, then. I have another errand I want to take care of anyway.” 

_‘The washboard.’_ She remembered. 

“Will you be ok with having lunch a little later today, Grandma?” 

“Yes I suppose that’ll be alright.” Her grandmother said, eyes still fixed on her knitting needles. 

“Ok, then. I’ll be right back.” 

Mito slipped on her outdoor boots and made her way down the grassy hill her house was situated on. 

She stole one last glance at the clothesline. 

_Can’t forget the washboard._

The market wasn’t necessarily busy, as it was a Wednesday, but there were a few people Mito recognized that were also shopping at the time. 

“Ah Mito! What a sight for sore eyes!” 

The voice belonging to a plump and shorter woman caught Mito’s attention. 

“Good afternoon, Hazel.” Mito greeted. She giggled. 

“You talk as if we haven’t spoken in weeks. We were sorting fish together just two days ago.” 

“Doesn’t make you any less of a welcome sight! Looks like someone’s been out in the sun all day.” Hazel teased, eyeing Mito’s freckles. 

Self-consciously and instinctively, Mito raised her hand to cover her nose. 

“Oh don’t be shy now. Been at the beach?” 

“No, actually. Just been washing clothes all day. Oh, that reminds me. I need to buy a new washboard.” 

Hazel clicked her tongue and shook her head. 

“Oh Mito. Don’t you ever relax? I swear to the heavens, every time I see you, you’re either working, running errands, or talking about running errands. You’re a young woman! You should be enjoying your time while you’re still young! Trust me, you’ll regret not doing so when you’re my age.” Chuckled Hazel. 

Mito hummed in amusement. 

“Thank you for the advice. I guess it has been a while since I’ve done anything enjoyable…” Mito reflected. 

“Well, I hope you heed it. You need a break.” 

Mito laughed. 

“I suppose I’ll let you be, then. Finish those errands, girl. Then promise me you’ll take a break.” Hazel said in a jokingly stern tone. 

“Alright then, Hazel. I promise.” 

They parted ways with smiles. 

_What was I here to get again? Oh right. Vinegar._

Mito walked into the dining room, vinegar in hand. She was met with the sight of her grandmother still sitting at the dining room table but lacking her needles and yarn. Instead, she was in the company of two men, who sat across from her. 

Strangers. 

One of them was large and broad and had square-shaped features and white shoulder-length hair. A pair of black sunglasses covered his eyes. 

The other was frail and sickly looking. His cheeks almost looked concave and his eyes were sunken behind his clear lenses. 

“What’s going on?” She asked carefully with concern. She set the glass bottle down on the table. 

“Are you Mito Freecss?” Asked the broad man. 

“Yes… and who might you be?” 

“Miss. Freecss, my name is Morel Mackernasey.” Morel stood up and shook her hand across the table. 

“My name is Knov.” Said the sickly one, reaching out to shake her hand as well. 

“We come delivering important news.” 

Mito froze. 

_News? What news? Bad or good? News about what? Why am I so anxious? Calm yourself!_

Morel and Knov took their seats once more. 

Morel inhaled deeply. 

“We have important news concerning your legal son, Gon Freecss.” 

Mito’s heart began to race. Her mind headed straight for the worse. 

_Calm yourself. Calm yourself._

Mito took her own seat and clenched the fabric of her skirt. A pearl of sweat formed itself on her temple. 

Knov opened his mouth to speak. She caught a twitch in his lips. 

“On August 7th,” He choked. Morel looked at him sympathetically. 

“Excuse me,” 

Mito’s anxiety worsened by the second. 

Knov let out a shaky sigh. 

“On August 7th, the deceased bodies of Killua Zoldyck and Gon Freecss were discovered in a forest in The Republic of East Gorteau.” 

And like a hammer to a mirror, Mito’s entire world shattered. Her body was petrified. She felt a painful pressure pressing down on her skull. She felt it to the back of her eyes. 

They kept talking. But Mito didn’t listen. 

Time seemed to lag. She couldn’t process anything past the first piece of the news. 

She felt like she was a mannequin drowning in quicksand. She couldn’t find it in herself to speak. 

Everything went numb. Nothing felt real. It felt like she was in a suffocating nightmare made of thick gravel and wet cement. 

This was a nightmare. 

It had to be. 

That just _had_ to be the case. 

“We are so deeply sorry we allowed this to happen. We offer our greatest condolences and our deepest regrets.” 

No this couldn’t be real. 

This wasn’t real. 

Mito blinked and suddenly, Knov and Morel were behind her chair and on the floor, bodies tucked into a bow. 

Mito slowly turned her body around in the chair. The sight of the men shook her vision. 

Mito began to breathe shallow breaths. They accelerated with the growing pace of her heart. Her hand clenched at her blouse. She began to wheeze and gasp for air that was not there. The altitude started to sky rocket. 

Her vision shifted between a blurred and wet dining room and a pitch black space. 

She couldn’t see. 

She couldn’t hear. 

She couldn’t talk. 

She couldn’t breathe. 

The air smelled and tasted metallic. It overwhelmed her body. She needed to get out of there. 

With trembling hands, she pushed herself up. 

With wobbling legs, she ran for the door. 

The sun taunted and burned her and the grass made her feet trip. 

On her knees, she stared at her open and trembling palms. 

“No-” 

Her vision was unstable. 

“No-” 

Her throat felt dry. 

“No no no-” 

Her palms caught the warm droplets that escaped her eyes. 

“No no, god, please-” 

The atmosphere was no better outside than it was inside. The walls of the world still pushed against her in a cruel attempt to crush her. 

“No-” 

Her eyelids formed creases at the corners of her eyes as they squeezed shut. 

“NO!” 

That’s when Mito began to scream. 

It was the most bloodcurdling scream the world would come to know. 

She screamed far beyond a raw and burning throat. 

She screamed far beyond withering vocal cords. 

She screamed far beyond stinging tear ducts. 

But she could never scream anywhere even remotely beyond the pounding aches of a severe guilt and a vicious, profound boulder of regret. 

It rolled over her heart, crushing it into a pulp. 

Her grief could never be recoverable. 

How could it? 

How could she possibly move on from this? 

Mito had completely exhausted her body. The shifting between a blurry vision and pure darkness became less frequent, and her eyes had already decided on the latter. 

She turned around. 

Her skirt was still flowing in the gentle summer breeze and the tea stain was still there. 

And even worse, the worn-out washboard she had been using for years, the one that had begun to rust, was still yet to be replaced. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. This took FOREVER to write (more than a month) and it was the hardest thing i've ever written. I am in so much pain, but i've improved a ton. You can even tell where my writing style started to change lmao
> 
> Thanks Cait for the idea (@NFERPIT0U on twitter)  
> Thanks Neo for pushing me over the edge (nya's FUCKING suspended fuck you twitter but its ok because im gifting this fic to them)  
> Thanks Beti, Nev, and Jenny for beta reading (@KUS4R1) (@G0NKINNE) (@Killukinnie)
> 
> and a BIG thanks to Choco for beta reading the WHOLE thing, angst and all. You're a real one (@KallutoBrainRot)


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